since I will be away for a week

I am not going online for the next week. If you see me online and you know my email or are in my msn list – tell me off.

With that said, I thought since I am not going to be online for a whole week (seems like an eternity from this side of it lol) I will indulge in some rambling on my blog.

So… where is my life at? It’s ok. I’m tired. I’m constipated. I’m nauseous. I am very happy. If I didn’t know better I’d think someone had drugged me with codeine (if I was paranoid I’d wonder “do I REAALY know better?”).

I feel a lot of contradictory things. A lot of things have been happening in my mental landscape lately. It’s not the kind of thing I can really talk about in detail, especially not here which – however secluded it may be – is still a public place. But I do think, one of these days I am going to have to pour it all out.

I am too tired to do what I intended lol…

Ahh world, don’t you know how much I love you, how beautiful you are, how sad it is to see you fall apart.

We’re all a bunch of insane kids. Little children. I met some people I knew in school on the bus, and they had these kids, and they talked about their own fucked up childhoods, fucked up childhoods that their kids will now have too…

And you know what – it made me happy. I’ll tell you why. A lot of people might say that they should not have brought those kids into that kind of lifestyle (I don’t want to get into the details for fear someone who knows us both might recognise who I am talking about) – but you know, they survived – and kids …the kids are doing them so much good – they probably did their parents as much good – sure the parents as well as the kids are irresponsible children, without direction, scared and defensive – but they are so much less of all those things now they have the responsibility of having to take care of their kids – and the good in them, the love and the compassion is magnified as their waywardness is depleted. Sure they’re not perfect still, they might come across as indulgent or arrogant, and it might seem unfair that their impose their own poverty on their children…

…but …those kids never would have had any life if they didn’t have the life they have. It’s not like if their wastrel parents had not had them then they would have been born to some anally retentive CEO’s wife… if their wastrel parents had had the foresight to use contraception (because lets not kid ourselves – they probably were never going to abstain) in the height of whatever drug fueled orgy conceived those kids… then they wouldn’t exist at all.

There is no “but if you waited they’d have a chance for a better life” – if they had waited, someone else would have had a chance for a better life.

And the kids are alright… there is more to life than stability, more to life than riches, more to life than thinking that just because your particular vices drove you to the city instead of the gutter that you are a more suitable parent than some kid who looked for something greater than himself in all the wrong places.

Some degeneracies may be more visible than others, but life is beautiful wherever it sprouts.

Painkillers

I think next time I have the option I will avoid taking the painkillers unless I absolutely cannot cope at all without.

Painkillers give a weird kind of feeling. It is a empty sense of “its ok”.

Actually I think the feeling of being on opiates can be summed up in the only thing Nietzsche wrote that is really worth reading:

Alas, the time is coming when man will no longer give birth to a star. Alas, the time of the most despicable man is coming, he that is no longer able to despise himself. Behold, I show you the last man.
‘What is love? What is creation? What is longing? What is a star?’ thus asks the last man, and blinks.
The earth has become small, and on it hops the last man, who makes everything small. His race is as ineradicable as the flea; the last man lives longest.
‘We have invented happiness,’say the last men, and they blink. They have left the regions where it was hard to live, for one needs warmth. One still loves one’s neighbor and rubs against him, for one needs warmth…
One still works, for work is a form of entertainment. But one is careful lest the entertainment be too harrowing. One no longer becomes poor or rich: both require too much exertion. Who still wants to rule? Who obey? Both require too much exertion.
No shepherd and one herd! Everybody wants the same, everybody is the same: whoever feels different goes voluntarily into a madhouse.
‘Formerly, all the world was mad,’ say the most refined, and they blink…
One has one’s little pleasure for the day and one’s little pleasure for the night: but one has a regard for health.
‘We have invented happiness,’ say the last men, and they blink.”

Alas, the time is coming when man will no longer give birth to a star. Alas, the time of the most despicable man is coming, he that is no longer able to despise himself. Behold, I show you the last man.
‘What is love? What is creation? What is longing? What is a star?’ thus asks the last man, and blinks.
The earth has become small, and on it hops the last man, who makes everything small. His race is as ineradicable as the flea; the last man lives longest.
‘We have invented happiness,’say the last men, and they blink. They have left the regions where it was hard to live, for one needs warmth. One still loves one’s neighbor and rubs against him, for one needs warmth…
One still works, for work is a form of entertainment. But one is careful lest the entertainment be too harrowing. One no longer becomes poor or rich: both require too much exertion. Who still wants to rule? Who obey? Both require too much exertion.
No shepherd and one herd! Everybody wants the same, everybody is the same: whoever feels different goes voluntarily into a madhouse.
‘Formerly, all the world was mad,’ say the most refined, and they blink…
One has one’s little pleasure for the day and one’s little pleasure for the night: but one has a regard for health.
‘We have invented happiness,’ say the last men, and they blink.”