At first I found it grating but it really grew on me.
My python game is coming along. I won’t say well, but its coming along
I emailed the head of the compsci dept at the uni and asked if I could sit in on the first year programming modules next year (with no pressure or any signed upness) and he said yes, and I can go along to the summer uni (for school leavers) thing too if I like. I think it’ll be fun so I am definitely up for it.
I don’t get lonely that often really. Or, not lonely in a way where I don’t want to be lonely. Today, tonight, this morning, I do not wish to be lonely, but lonely I am.
I keep listening to this video, and when it gets to the shouts of “Христос воскресе” I join in with the response, or I was doing for a while. And it just… it makes me feel so alone here in Aberystwyth. Here I am, and there from my speakers is the illusion of solidarity, of all these people, all these people gathered together to share in Paschal joy (and Saturday night for me passed so fast), but it is an illusion, I am here in my room all alone. My family do not believe. My best friend does not believe. My Russian teacher is the closest person I could share this sentement with, and …well I don’t really know her well enough to call her up in the wee hours of the morning (or even during the day).
I’m stuck alone. And, I don’t like it. I think, I want to be in a crowd, somewhere loud, and bustling and full of life. This is something I never ever ever want, but it is what I want today, what I wanted yesterday.
I feel bad too that, is God not enough? Should I feel so alone? Does it mean something that I am lonely? Something about my disconnection from these events, not just in terms of physical proximity, but in terms of spirit? If I were closer to God, would I be immune to this, would I rejoice with the angels and forsake the need for men? Would the saints not be crowd enough for me?
you know that feeling late at night when you click the stumble button on your browser and become incredibly frustrated when all you get are web pages about dogs and the shapes of medieval swords and you want to shake the absent humanity and scream at it, can't you see? can't you see?? there is something wrong here! something is terribly wrong!
