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Tag Archives: call a waaaambulance

One of the dogmas of modern society is that hard work is the most important, most valuable, most meritable quality there is. There is an unspoken assumption underlying the majority of social, economic and political ideas of the age, that if you work hard, that entitles you to something, and that if you are entitled to something, well it’s either because you worked hard, or it’s “unfair”.

That my friends, is a lie.

You are not entitled to anything by working hard. You can slave all your life and get nothing for it, and suffer and sweat and die alone with not a penny to your name – and this is not unfair, because, you are not owed anything.

You are not owed anything for working. You are not owed anything for being born. You are not owed anything for being smart. You are not owed anything for being stupid. You are not owed anything unless you enter into some kind of contract to that effect, and even then my friends, even then, you are relying on the good graces of your debtor and their ability to pay, and if they fail, you are at as much fault as they for choosing to engage in a risky endeavour.

My father used to say “nothing’s fair in this goddamn crazy world” (in recent years he has shortened it to “this GCW”. But it’s not really about fairness. Fairness is a social construct which has a specific sphere of meaning. A contract can be fair, if both parties get their due, a contract is a social relationship between to people. But even then… its hard to explain…

When I was born, I was born to middle class parents, with a comfortable lifestyle. Some people are born to parents who are slaves. Some people are born princes and princesses.

It’s easy for me to look up at princes and not consider it unfair. I am not owed to be a prince, it’s not something I deserve. It’s not something princes deserve either. It is, we could say, a grace bestowed upon them (by birth, by life, by God, by society) – a gift they are given without deserving it, but a gift is not “unfair” its something given freely by someone(s), someone(s) who have the right to grant such a gift. As such it cannot be unfair. My parentage is as much a gift, but it is easy for me to look down upon those born to slaves and think that their situation is “unfair” – because middle class guilt was drilled into me from a young age. I was taught to feel that way. Truly, it is no more unfair than the prince scenario. The child of slaves does not deserve to be born into slavery, it is also a gift, although this is a horrible use of the word. It is something that history has brought to bear upon them. The results of ancient wars and conflicts, trickled down to the present, and the princes of the world, and the guilt obsessed middle class families, and the salt of the earth working class protestants, and the slaves – we all are given these situations by these forces which, though we battle with all our might against it, against the thought of it, in our every action, of charity, of selfishness, of self will, of planning, of effort of control – though we fight it, these forces, this world, is bigger than us, and out of our control. Whether we are born a prince or a slave, we are equally powerless. Equally weak. Equally deserving of nothing.

By which I mean… there is nothing we deserve. Not that we deserve nothing. Because the two statements are very different, and the latter is not at all what I mean.

When good comes to us, we like to think we earned it. We like to think our hard work, or our skill, or our good nature can be credited with the good we receive. In truth, the good we receive is beyond our control. In an artificial environment this is not always true, but in the real world it is, and we find it so easy to forget because of how long we have lived in an artificial environment. Where we think we are getting what is fair, but we are really getting the spoils of wars too far away for us to understand. The product of other peoples slaveries. Born princes but educated to believe that we earned it, and thus more dangerous than any young aristocracy who knew that their position was a mere accident of history.

And this …this factors into the whole complaints I have been hearing a lot about the education system. Because it’s an artificial environment. The goal of education was once LEARNING, and by learning, I mean specifically a very high level abstract kind of learning, learning to understand, to think, to process the world at an analytical level above what is required for the everyday.

But the idea that “effort” is entitled to reward. That work in itself is deserving of success, an idea only able to thrive because we live in an artifice propped up by blood money and other peoples slavery, this idea, which seems so noble, so enlightened, so “fair” – has corrupted education beyond recognition. And learning no longer has a place, because there is something that unfortunately comes with education, that corrupts it everywhere, and that is status, and status is a grander reward, even more coveted than money (which is greatly coveted). And so the children taught from the earliest age that effort, hard work – these good valuable things – are in themselves deserving of reward, pound their little fists on the table, because they tried dammit, they tried so hard, and they deserve what they are owed.

And there wasn’t any other point to it anyway… was there?

I decided to transfer to computer science. I know its late in the day… I know it’s a risk… I really think its the right thing to do though…

Anyway, that’s not the main thing I want to angst about. Well, it sort of is. See, when it was just me, a lone humanities pioneer scouting out the world of computers all by myself then I was not just a small fish in a small pond but more like a small fish in her own pond that belonged entirely to her and no-one could make her feel small there.

Now switching courses is kind of like suddenly discovering there is an underwater passage to a much bigger pond. Maybe not the biggest, but much bigger than the little one I had all to myself, and perhaps more significantly, there are other fish in this new pond, and …they are all bigger than me. Bigger than me, shinier scales, move faster, have brighter eyes and (perhaps most irritating to me) quicker minds.

This is new territory for the little fish who had a little pond all to herself. To discover this larger world, is extremely liberating, exciting. Even to discover these new fish, despite my intense envy of their pretty scales and quick brains, I am a social creature, it is wonderful to not be alone. And, the fact is, in my little pond I would have not had the same opportunities to grow – indeed that is the main point of (yeah still on the stupid fish analogy) move to the bigger pond, not just to be in a bigger pond, not even to meet interesting new fish, but to gain an opportunity to grow and become a bigger fish, maybe never as big as some of the reeallly big fish that I’ve been surprised and awed to bump into, but bigger than a microscopic fish in her own tiny pool. I will never learn if I hide away by myself in my own little world, too ashamed of my smallness to venture forth into the world.

I am quite uncomfortable with it all. People, people I feel inferior to. I could just about handle people I felt equal too, I would probably be bored by people I felt superior to (which perhaps explains why I find myself so uncomfortable with people who must feel superior to me). But there are more important things than stupid egotistical feelings of inferiority. There is a whole exciting world out there and I can discover it, little bit by little bit.

And one day I will be able to keep up with the cool kids!

Someone told me that what I was trying to do was too hard for a noob like me. Grr, I am annoyed. Maybe it is good because it has really given me a stronger motivation to prove them wrong (not that they will ever know most likely lol). It just bothers me that I care so much when people say stuff like that to me. I mean they don’t know me… what do they know whether I can do something or not. LOL, but yeah, I know, I am too proud, its not good for me :p.

In the meantime, I got my tamagotchi running with fork (although haven’t tried the input thing yet) BUT OH MY it is SLOW!!! So I think I will definitely try the threads thing now which might not be so slow? Although there’s a couple of things I need to check first.

Edit: yeah my suspicions were right, it was so slow because I put the fork thing in the wrong place. It’s normal speed  now :P Maybe I wont need threads…

Haha, and it slows down overtime because it keeps reforking because it was on the wrong side of a loop :p

Although…. that shared address space with threads sounds mighty fine to me right now…

A few days ago I decided to make a website. The uni offers students webhosting and I was in a “I will use all services just because I can” mood. Anyway, today I made this page (which is not finished yet) and …it just hit me… what am I doing?

I can’t believe the stupid choice after stupid choice I have made in life. What is wrong with me? It drives me insane. Why can’t I just do what I want, why do all these strange unspoken motivators push me into doing thing after thing that I don’t enjoy? WHY?

I should never have quit chemistry. I didn’t quit chemistry because of chemistry. I quit chemistry because of people… and because of …strange unspoken motivations… bizarre internal logic about what is “right” and even what I “want”, I did not pay attention to how I feel, only what I thought, and what I thought was a maze of half truths and outright lies.

What am I? What am I doing?

I’m so alone. People will chime in (or perhaps not) to deny it, but its true. I don’t even know what I feel, I am trapped in a maze of over-rationalisations. No-one can get through to me when I can’t even get through to myself. No-one can know me when I can’t even find myself from within. There is a lot of bullshit psychobabble about “finding yourself” and I don’t really want to go off in that direction, but I just mean, I don’t know if you ever thought something was your favorite food, but really it was just something you “thought” was. You didn’t particularily like it, but the idea of it being your favorite, overrode the actual experiences of eating and the pleasure therin.

That’s everything with me. I think a whole load of bs and take it for truth. I think I like things when really I don’t. I think I want things when really I don’t. I don’t know how it is possible for one person to make so many counterproductive choices in life, one after the other, but I managed it.

Ahh well, I will make my website, about stuff I have no tangible connection to and don’t really know what I am talking about. Daydreaming of the things I could have learned if I had not made stupid choices. …and anyway, maybe after sleep I will feel better and realise I was freaking out for no reason. Maybe.

I made a fool of myself on a webforum and it made me feel very humiliated and stupid. Ah well, I found something that almost makes me forget.

Screen!
I am on irssi, and I think “hmm I wonder if that screen thingy can work over ssh” – I wasn’t actually running screen at the time, so I logged out of irssi started screen and logged back in (logged into the same user and computer on both computers). Then on my laptop I type “screen -d -r” irssi appears! I go back to my desktop and type the same thing, irssi is back. “Awesome” I think!

I have quit a lot of stuff.

I quit studying Chemistry when I went to Manchester and social isolation caught up with me.

I quit being a merchant navy cadet when PMT caught up with me.

I quit my job at Morrisons when my arrogant plan to save the world by writing a (never written) book about virtue caught up with me.

I quit my job as a “support worker” with some charity when my complete apathy to anyone but myself caught up with me.

Now I am studying History and I am thinking of quitting again, why? Because it is boring, and I don’t think I am capable of forcing myself through the boring until next summer, not just that, I am worried if I get this crappy history degree, that’s it, I never get to study something fun, EVER.

Now I have said again and again, “after this I am done with uni!” but, I still would like to do one course I actually like, one module that isn’t just vaguely bearable, but genuinely fascinating. Anything.

Sometimes my mind gets caught up with an idea, inspiration strikes and then I won’t let go. Suddenly I was struck with the idea of finishing my degree via the open university. The advantages are many, most of all, I can stay here, and I could probably have a much greater range of modules (well except I think you need to go level 1->2->3 so maybe not… still hope springs eternal).

I don’t know, I think my mum would see through that plan, see it as the quitting that it is, it is quitting isn’t it? I should just slog through the crap. You can get as many undergrad OU qualifications as you can afford, if I see interesting sounding things on their website, well thats a motivation to get a job and pay for them myself. AFTER I finished this stupid boring degree – IF I don’t fail…

Quitty the Quitter wants to quit :(

(Haha, 5000 word essay due in Friday – is that gonna happen?)

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